Chapter 1 – The Wall


Imagine one day waking up and finding out that there is no Sun for you.

Yes, it means that there is no Sun for you and you only .

The Sun has risen and it has lit up the whole world. Like always. Like the infinite number of days that were there before you existed and the infinite number of days that will come even when you cease to exist, but its not there for you anymore.

Your vision has been blurred by an opaque wall through which you can still observe what is happening around you and when you do, you can come to only one conclusion – rest of the world is going on like everything is fine. Its only you who has been abandoned by the Sun. The wall around your vision is only opaque and not pitch black because the universe wants to remind you that its only you who is missing out the Sun.

Everyone else is doing just fine.

You find your way to go through life. You establish a routine which helps you to go through it but it never helps you to get used used to your colorless life. You start wondering if its the same for a gold fish living in a fish bowl. Since its vision of the world through the glass must be distorted.

Does it get used to it?

Does it establish a routine inside the bowl its living in and go on with life like you do?

Does it keep on living with a constant discomfort and endless questions?

But gold fishes do not speak. You start speaking less too. The people around you, they don’t see the wall.  But if you communicate to them for long, they understand that there is something off about you. So you don’t. You understand that the opaque wall exists only around your vision and not around their’s. As if it’s not real, as if it’s a disease.

For the first time in your life, you hope that you have a disease. Since some diseases are curable. May be there will be a way to cure your disease too.

Even if it’s not a disease, you hope that one day, some day, you will get your Sun back. Your world will be colorful and vibrant again, like it was once. May be one fine morning you will wake up and there will be a sunlit world before your eyes and that day you will know that you have been forgiven and the wall has vanished.

You keep yourself tied to your routines. You keep your conversations short and simple. You no longer make real connections to people. If you sense that there is someone who is trying to connect to you, you withdraw. You bury yourself in your own world, in your own scent.

Yet you live in your world, in your blurred down, colorless world with one hope that one day, someday, everything will be fine. Time passes in minutes and in days. Your will decays along with your body and soul. But the hope in you, remains.

So does the opaque wall.

***

(To Be Continued…)

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~Things We Do For Love~


5

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For more than five months I have posted nothing. Because I could not write anything in those months. I did not finish reading a single book in 2014. I almost stopped listening to music. I paid less attention to my work. I was not and am not the same person I used to be.

This is an unusual tale that I am going to write here. An extra ordinary tale from an ordinary person’s life. All this time I was preparing for something. It was like I was surviving reality barely and preparing my spirit to make a dream come true. A dream  so big that at times I have myself doubted if it would ever come true.

But it did.

I met a girl on the internet. We became friends. We have been talking for like a year now…and we want to meet. Her family knows about me too. That is why I want to go there..to meet her and her family.”  – That is what I told the officer to whom I submitted my visa application.

It got rejected for the first time.

Not many people decide to travel 6,500 Kilometers to meet a girl they have met on the internet.

I met her on Facebook. She saw my photo on her friends suggestion and felt like she should open my profile and check it. As per her words when she saw my photo, it was like, she could only see that photo on the page and rest was a blur. She was not sure if I would accept friend request from unknown persons. So all she did , she opened up my picture and liked it.

I thought that the recent like that I got from an unknown “foreign” girl – was definitely from a fake profile.

I ignored it.

A few days after I noticed that there was nothing more – no friend requests or likes from this girl, I felt like there was a possibility of this girl being a genuine one. I opened her profile and liked her profile picture too. It was a nice one. Not hot and cheeky rather pretty & graceful. The way I like girls.

She sent me a friend request and we started talking. We became good friends.

We would talk each other all the time. I would wake up to her messages and she would go to sleep reading my messages. We would share pictures and stories.

Then she told me she wants to meet me. She knows meeting in person would not be possible right now but she wanted to see me on Skype.

I have never Skyped with a person I have not met personally before. I was scared thinking about how awkward it will be, I was scared of many things. How I would look, how my voice would sound, if I would be able to understand what she speaks or not.

So we skyped for the first time. I was awkward as usual. She was smiling and laughing like a happy little girl!

I was awkward but I was happy.

That was the first of our many Skype encounters. We would catch up every weekend and on the middle of the week too if I would have a day off.  We would never feel bored while talking to each other and with time we became more and more free with each other. I have never felt this free with any of my friends before. I have always been a distant, strange and weird guy to the girls and I believe even to those few girls I have dated, my image remains same.

Then we decided to meet. First we were thinking about meeting in a country which is in between our countries. I was thinking how awkward it would be to go meet her and her family at the same time. I was free with her but I saw her family for a few times on Skype. I am not the kind of person who speaks a lot and gets along very well with people who they have met recently.

But then I decided I should travel to her country. I imagined myself at her parent’s situation. Its not a easy decision to let your daughter go to a different country to meet a guy who she has met on the internet. I thought if I would go there I could meet her and her family at the same time. I could see her place. I wanted to do all of these. If I meet her someplace else then I would again have to buy tickets and travel to meet her family.

So I traveled 6,500 kilometers to meet a girl I have met on Facebook.

Getting the tickets, visa and traveling alone were not easy tasks. This was the first time I got a visa and traveled to another country – my first international flight. I was scared to do all of this.

But I was more scared of the idea of not seeing her, not being with her.

Never in my life I have ever wanted something so bad.

All of the journey and my time spent there with her is a story that will take a lot more words. I think I will write about that too. Because our story is unusual and at times it is far more interesting than reality.

Now I am back in  my country. She will be coming to visit my place soon. People are asking whats next. How we plan to stay together.

When I added her on Skype, I noticed there was written something in her language at her Skype status field. I learned what was written there. She told that she put those words as her status a year before or so. I felt that we have been waiting for each other all our lives and we always knew that we existed in our minds.

Ja tu necīnies par to, ko vēlies, tad neraudi par to, ko zaudē.

“If you don’t try hard for what you want, why do you cry then?”

This journey has taught me one thing – sometimes you need to make a choice and prepare yourself to pay any price to life in order to stick to your choice.

We have made our choices. We want to stay together.

The things we will have to do for love will pay the price that we have to pay in order to stick to our choice.

Taken with Nokia Glam Me

Dreaming of a Dreamless Sleep


Tonight sleep eludes me.

Trains of thoughts wreck my mind.

So many feelings. Like a rainbow,

On top of another one.

I never believed in afterlives,

Or in spirits, or in things I don’t understand.

But tonight, the wish to stay alive,

Just to see you, hold you, know you,

Burns so bright inside, that, I’m sure,

Even death cannot stop my soul.

Sleep eludes me tonight,

Like every other night.

Sleep eludes me tonight,

Like you do.

Perfectly Lonely


Perfectly lonely.

Like the moon in the sky,

Surrounded by stars.

Beautiful, Silver, Serene.

Barren, lifeless, scarred.

*

Perfectly lonely.

Like a bottle of wine.

Sitting on the table.

Containing the fine red.

Occasionally pouring out.

Only to be tossed out, once emptied.

**

Perfectly lonely.

No promises to keep.

No Companion to look forward to.

No memories to hold on to.

No new memories to be made.

Life is a comfortable routine.

Routine is simple, perfect and lonely.

 

Hearts Seeking Hearts


People vanish.

Just like that.

Taken away against their will,

Gone away on their wish,

Fallen apart as we breath.

Just like that.

*

People disappear.

Just like that.

Some turn into ashes,

Some fade into memories,

Some stay as close as the stars are.

Just like that.

*

People leave.

Just like that.

Yet some leave a gift,

Some leave a part of themselves,

Some walk away with parts of you.

Just like that.

*

Feelings stay.

They always have.

Hidden deep in your heart,

Which beats restless,

To move on to the next truth.

It always has.

~Fall Right Back~


Eyes meet eyes,

Stars shine brighter.

An intoxicating fragrance.

Breeze is getting smoother.

Crispy leaves of fall.

Sweetness in the form of lips.

My mind has grown

A mind of its own,

When our eyes met.

****

Knowing your presence,

Hearing your footsteps,

Believing in your existence,

On my shoulder, now your head rests.

Our hearts beat faster.

Our breathing quickens.

Promising something new,

Blood rushes through our veins.

I’m falling right back in love,

Knowing your presence.

~A Letter To My Future Self ~


May you fall on your face.

May you lose your youth.

May your lose your charm as well.

May you never lose your spirit.

***

May you spend your nights on the street.

May you taste the bitterness of hunger.

May you get no warmth in the winter.

May you never lose your faith.

***

May you drown in your own sweat.

May you achieve nothing even when you try.

May you lose all your friends.

May you never lose your old-self.

***

The world plays with you,

The world tries to mold you into someone else.

I wish you a lonely death, but,

May you always get to be yourself.

~Riddle(s)~


Once a book that belonged to me

Was lost.

I searched in my room,

And I searched out.

It was gone, nowhere to be found.

 

***

I never saw my book again,

Until I found it after a few months,

Under my bed.

I could have sworn,

That was the first place where I looked.

***

As I flipped through the pages,

I realized someone has it read,

And was kind enough to have it left.

Just under my bed.

It was never the same book again.

***

Someone found me when I was lost too.

I did not ask to be found, but Someone did.

I belonged to that someone.

Then the someone left.

Would I ever truly belong to someone else?

~About A Dream~


Have you ever lived you dream?

Have you ever loved a woman so much that ,

You could die so she could be safe?

Or better,

You could kill to protect her?

Or better,

You could live the best you can

For her,with her?

I have.

***********

Have you ever lived your dream?

Have you ever loved someone so fiercely,

That you have deeply regretted meeting her,

So late in your life, because you missed her childhood?

Have you ever shared a bond stronger than you share with yourself?

Have you ever felt the helplessness that a man feels,

When his woman cries and he cannot make her happy?

Have you ever felt the joy that a man feels

When she lights up his world with her sunshine smile?

I have.

***********

Have you woken up and realized,

Your dreams are over,

And it was only yours.

Your heart is in pieces,

And it is only yours.

Yet you are alive.

Breathing, walking, eating.

You’ve everything you had,

but not a purpose?

I have.

Falling Stars


Everything is falling apart.

Even the stars are coming down on me tonight.

Look around – men and women are in love.

Two decaying bodies pleasuring each other,

In the hope of getting something back.

A vain attempt of a dying being at immortality.

 

Still children are beautiful.

So are falling stars.

So is love.

So pick up the broken pieces again,

Pick yourself up and your broken heart.

May be you will see the Sun rise beyond this night.